Geek Speak
(Pet Shop Boys - Yesterday, When I Was Mad)

Guess what I just bought from Chapters???...the Ultimate Guide to X-Men!!...wooohoo!

I'm really not a geek...

...but if you're a geek or used to be a geek, you would've laughed your ass off watching this SNL skit.

I didn't laugh at all. I swear.
...

Exclusive Connections

Hostess.....Paris Hilton
Trixie.....Amy Poehler
Christy.....Tina Fey
Warren Grabowski.....Fred Armisen
Candy.....Maya Rudolph
Trekkie.....Horatio Sanz
Lexis.....Rachel Dratch
Hobbit.....Seth Meyers

Hostess: [sultry voice] Hey boys, feeling lonely tonight? Wanna chat with some of the most beautiful women in the world? At Exclusive Connections [title: "Exclusive Connections"], we know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning [title fades], and we know exactly what turns you on. This is Trixie. [shot widens to include a woman wearing a pointy blue wizard's hat and matching cape] She's a Level 8 Dungeon Master, ready to serve all your D&D fantasies.

Trixie: [sultry voice] What's that baby? You're a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I'm a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and a big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Roll your twelve-sided die and cast it! Cast it!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Mmmmm...that sounds sexy. But that's not all. If D&D's not your thing, and you'd rather be in a galaxy far, far away, this here's Christy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Princess Leia at the beginning of A New Hope] She just got back from a trip to Dagobah, and boy is she lonely.

Christy: [sultry voice] So, what's your name?

[screen splits to show a man wearing thick-rimmed glasses and a Star Wars tee-shirt, on the other end of the line]

Warren: Warren Grabowski.

Christy: [sultry voice] Help me, Warren Grabowski, you're my only hope.

Warren: I like that. Tell me I'm a nerf herder!

Christy: [sultry voice] You know what you are, Warren? You're a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Warren: [rapturously] Oh, God, yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Say hello to Candy. [shot widens to show a woman dressed exactly like Uhura from Star Trek] She just got her massage license on Rigel VII, and she wants to go where no man has gone before.

Candy: [sultry voice] You know what time it is, baby? It's the Vulcan mating season of Pon Farr. Much like the eel-birds of Regulus V, if I don't find a mate, I'll die.

[screen splits to show an overweight man wearing glasses and a yellow Star Trek uniform, on the other end of the line]

Trekkie: I'm giving myself the Vulcan Nerve Pinch right now. [displays hand with index and middle fingers splayed apart from ring and pinky, and moves his hand below his waist] Oooooh!

Candy: [sultry voice] Oooh, yeah, I like that. I wanna do something logical to you, baby.

Trekkie: Oh, that's nice!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Still haven't found what you're looking for? Why don't you take a trip around the Misty Mountains to the Gap of Rohan, all the way to Rivendell, to meet our very own Elven princess, Lexis. [shot widens to show a woman with fake Elven ears and a diadem on her forehead]

Lexis: [sultry voice] You've been a bad Hobbit, haven't you?

[screen splits to show a man wearing a grey cloak fastened by a leaf-shaped clasp, rocking vigorously in a chair, on the other end of the line]

Hobbit: I have been a bad Hobbit, yes.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Well, bad Hobbits get sent to Mordor.

Hobbit: But I want to go back to the Shire. Take me back to Eriador.

Lexis: [sultry voice] Oh, you're going to Mordor, all right. First we're going all the way to Minas Morgul.

Hobbit: Okay, that's good.

Lexis: [sultry voice] We're going to take the long way around the plateau of Golgoroth.

Hobbit: Okay, I can't take it!

Lexis: [sultry voice] Then we're going right to the tippy-top of Barad-Dûr.

Hobbit: Yes!

Hostess: [sultry voice] Operators are standing by. Who knows, one of them might be me. Does Doctor Who turn you on, baby? Well, I'm getting into my TARDIS right now. [shot widens to show other operators behind her: a Stormtrooper, a woman with green hair and skin, and a leather-clad woman with white hair and red skin] Oooh, I better put on my big, floppy hat and scarf. [she puts on these garments] I hope I don't find any Daleks here. Are you a Dalek, baby? Do you want to exterminate me? Call today.

[flashing title: "1-800-555-0199"]
...

As you grow older, it becomes harder to feel 100% happy; you learn all the things that can go wrong; you become superstitious about tempting fate; about bringing disaster upon your life by accidentally feeling too good one day.

Isn’t this what pessimism is about – not opening your mind to the highest possibilities because of past failures and the fear of history repeating itself?

Don’t let those bad moments haunt you.

One of Those Moments
(Craig David – Once In a Lifetime)

mo•ment n.
1. A brief, indefinite interval of time.
2. A specific point in time, especially the present time: He is not here at the moment.
3. A particular period of importance, influence, or significance in a series of events or developments: a great moment in history; waiting for her big moment.
4. Outstanding significance or value; importance: a discovery of great moment.
5. A brief period of time that is characterized by a quality, such as excellence, suitability, or distinction: a lackluster performance that nevertheless had its moments.

A moment to me is a period of time where an event/series of events is more than the sum of its parts. Going to the gas station and filling up your tank is merely an event. Going to the gas station and filling up your tank for your first road trip with the woman of your dreams is a moment. Drinking at the bar on a Friday night is an event. Drinking at the bar on a Friday night with friends and realizing that 20 years has passed and they’re still an intricate part of your life is a moment. Getting dumped by a girl you held hands with in grade 5 is an event. Getting dumped on your wedding day is a moment.

You can always tell a moment by the realization of its significance. In the case of good moments, the significance is blatant bliss. All your food tastes better. The air you breathe is richer. You have mental clarity like you’ve never had before. In the case of bad moments, the significance is in the lesson learned. You swear you’d never date a girl like that again. You swear you wouldn’t let people walk all over you again. You swear you’d spend more time with your kids than your parents spent with you. Bad moments are character defining. Your decisions down the road will be dictated by these moments, for better or for worse.

I live for moments; even the bad ones. The rest of my life is just filler. Sure I could do without the mind numbing bad moments but to some extent, those make the good moments even sweeter. How great would your life be if you just increase your ratio of moments:filler?

Spring Raving
(The Game ft. 50 Cent – Hate It or Love It)

Hate it or love it, the underdog’s on top.
...

There are two Canada geese outside the office today. A sure sign that spring is well on its way.
...

Today’s random thoughts...

If Survivor is supposed to represent Darwinism/survival of the fittest, what does it say about our culture when we reward the snakes? Highly discouraging I tell you.

I miss my old barbershop in university where they had playboys you could read while getting your haircut.

Though the path may not have been ideal, I’m happy with my job. Most people aren’t happy. I think people should be a little more grateful with what they’ve got. You may not have taken the shortest route or the easiest route, but you’re hardly off the path and there’s something to be said for that. And being happy with what you’ve got doesn’t necessarily mean you’re complacent in following your dreams. Follow your own path, don’t fret if it takes longer than you thought and be happy that you made the best of what was dealt to you.
...

How to prepare for spring and summer…

1) Wash all the salt and snow off your car.
2) Clean your room and throw out last year’s junk.
3) Pray for warm weather.
4) Buy two new tennis racquets and have them strung.
5) Buy new golf clubs and sign up for lessons.
6) Buy a new fishing rod and reel.
7) Start running and working out to show off your body on the beach.
8) Book your vacations.
9) Spend time outdoors with those you care about.
10) Save up for those weddings coming up.
...

I’m off to Vermont this weekend to tear up the mountains one last time this year. Have a great long weekend everyone!

Across the Way
(Craig David - Fill Me In)

With the online world these days, it’s not too uncommon for people to have friends all over the world. The distance between you and them is almost transparent. I find that the majority of these interactions are pretty significant in the beginning but eventually fade to something trivial. It’s not the distance that eventually causes relationship fragmentation but rather the personalities. Naturally, it takes longer to really understand someone online than it would in real life. Plus you have to get over that initial allure of meeting someone new.

Once in awhile though, you meet some pretty incredible people. These are people who would shape your life if they lived closer; people who would be part of that social group that defines you as a person. With people like this, the distance is always noticeable.

I wish you guys were closer.
...

Today’s fun test :

http://www.funtestiq.com/personality/personalitytest39.shtml

I scored an 8 – clearly an introvert.
...

Earlier today while discussing gardening with a co-worker, I came to this conclusion…

A spade may be a spade to a group of people who have been taught that it was a spade but in another culture, another social setting; it might be something totally different. A good example of this would be marzipan -- it might mean a confection made of ground almonds or almond paste, often molded into decorative shapes OR it might be an animal. Most likely an animal though.

Rock Star 101
(Simon & Garfunkle – Mrs. Robinson)

How to be a rock star...

I was walking down the hall bouncing the rubber band ball I made (it’s about twice the size of a squash ball now) and it took an abnormal bounce off the carpet and hit me square in the nuts. One of my managers was turning the corner and saw the entire thing.
She had a good laugh as I pretended like it didn’t hurt.

I wonder if it’s humanly possible to kick yourself in the nuts. If anyone has successfully done this, please let me know.
...

When we go out to dinner with my friends, I’m often the subject of a lot of jokes because of the size of my wallet. It’s ridiculously large. Last night I finally cleaned it out. I had so many receipts and cards in there that I was having a hard time closing it. It was approximately the size of a Big Mac with double beef. I think it’s now the size of a McChicken.
...

I’ve got two zits growing on my forehead. At least I think they’re zits. Either that or they’re my horns coming in.
...

TGIF – have a good one everybody!

Shizzle My Nizzle
(Echobelly – Here Comes the Big Rush)

Coming out of the cage and I’ve been doing just fine...
...
Today’s Joke : Why did Snoop Doggy Dog buy a raincoat? – Fo’ Drizzle.
...

Someone pointed out to me today that I’ve been blogging since 2002. Has it been that long already? I honestly didn’t think I’d last this long. Heck, I didn’t even think blogging would be this big. Can anyone even imagine where blogging will be in 10 years?

I think for the most part the past 3 years of my life are pretty accurately reflected in my blogs. At least I hope they are. I try to be fairly open and candid with my writing. Sometimes successfully. Sometimes not. Where other forms of communication are limited by my introversion and the pressures of social normality, I find blogging a low-pressure medium where I’m rarely accountable for anything. My normal everyday staggering and stammering in public can be easily back tracked and deleted online. Blogging might be the single most therapeutic means for passive aggressive people like me to release all that pent up daily tension.

Which brings up the question – "What did people do before blogs?" Is there a graveyard of diaries somewhere out there? Who here still keeps a diary? What was the last entry in your diary? I’d imagine mine went something like this...

Dear Diary,

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you. I am leaving you for this hot new Blog with long legs and huge wazoos.

Kindest Regards,
Me

"Kindest Regards"...Worst. Sign-off. Ever. Those of you who use this for your business emails. Stop. Now.

I wish people would just sign what they mean. Like "Haughtily Yours", "Superciliously Yours", or "Irreverence and All That Jazz". Be unruly...let it fly for God sakes!
Anyhow...I’m rambling...
...

My birthday is a few days away and this year, I’d like to not puke and get carried out of the party for a change. I think that’s a sign of maturity. However, just in case that doesn’t pan out too well, I’d recommend everyone who’s attending to wear splash resistant clothing.

Sassy and Frank,
Khiem

Corporate Madness
(Tweet – Oh My)

I’m sitting at my company’s head office in St.Paul, MN right now amongst the hundreds and hundreds of cubicles. It’s a giant cube farm down here. Here they raise the blue collared American. Some are restricted from moving from their seat so that they can be served as corporate veal. They’re fed a steady diet of coffee to keep them alert and productive. Down right scary I tell you.

Right now, all I can hear are keyboards clicking, soft telephone voices and cranking noises from stalling brains in the mid-afternoon. It’s about that time of the day where people start procrastinating and shutting down their brains early, pushing their workload over to the next day.

I’ve got a flight to catch back to Toronto in 2 hrs and I’m dreading it. I hate flying. I always have. Here you are, trapped in a metal cylinder with dozens of other passengers, hurling through the air at 300 km/hr. There’s just something totally unnatural, not to mention terrifying, about humans flying. Ever throw a can of sardines across an empty field? Imagine how those sardines would feel if they were alive. That’s typically how I feel when flying.

Well, time to go say bye to the farmers and the cattle and hop in a sardine tin back to Toronto.

Birthdays at Auberge - Part Deux
(The Cranberries - Linger)

Happy Early 28th Birthday Sonia!!

Sonia and I have our birthdays coming up and we’ve got a dinner date at Auberge Du Pommier. We went here last year for our birthdays and loved it. It’s sort of a tradition now. Food, ambience and service were great. Price was hefty but well worth it.

Most places like this charge you an arm and a leg for dinner and it rarely meets expectations; unless of course you’re walking in expecting highway robbery. (Why do they call it highway robbery anyway? I’ve never seen or heard of anyone getting robbed on the highway. Maybe restaurant robbery would be more appropriate here.)

Anyhow, this place has excellent food and ambience for those special occasions when you want to splurge a little. They also make the best Caesars in town!
...

Let's go, Crazy!...I mean, let's go crazy!!

Marzipan the Brain
(The Postal Service - Brand New Colony)

Today’s ridiculously tough question...

What do you think is of more value to you – a romantic relationship or a platonic friendship?

Please answer in no more than one page, double spaced, 1” margins!
...

I think for me it’s definitely romantic relationship platonic relationship...I don’t know. It’s like asking what’s more intelligent -- a piece of eaten gum stuck on the sidewalk or marzipan? I’d be inclined to choose the piece of gum but how can you underestimate the marzipan? I bet it could do differential calculus.

Ok...I’ll admit, I don’t know what a marzipan is.
...

You know what I value? People who understand me when I’m being my most obscure. Or people who respond to my obscurity with even more obscurity. People who just naturally think beyond the strict confines of societies mental box. I think these are my kindred spirits. Wouldn’t it be great if you could just surround yourself with kindred spirits? I know, totally utopic thinking but wonderful nonetheless.

Lock Me Up For Life
(Keane - Bedshaped)

I am the world’s biggest dumbass.

I submit Article A...

I was driving over to Mark’s house on Saturday to pick him up to go to Tom’s birthday dinner. While driving there I noticed a scraping noise in my wheel well. So when I get to Mark’s place, I get out of the car and check the wheel wells. I bend over and use my snow brush to remove all the ice from the well. I get back into the car and wait for Mark to come out of his house. He gets out and we head to dinner. After dinner I can’t find my cell phone and finally figured I must have dropped it when I was checking out my car at Mark’s place. We drive back to his house and find it lying in the driveway. The LCD is no longer working since I ran it over when I backed out. $370 later, I have a new cell phone.

...and Article B...

I went to have ribs yesterday after work with Sonia. Knowing full well I had a white dress shirt on, I was careful not to splash any sauce on my shirt throughout dinner. However, we ordered too much and had to get containers for the remaining ribs and wings leftover. While moving wings from one full container to an empty one, I drop the wing on my shirt and pants.

I rest my case.